really lonely...

today really feel very down... really think i need someone to talk to... but then, the person i want to talk to very busy... then don bother her lah... then everyone else i think really donno me well at all lor... first thing they ask if i stress bcos of homework isit?! im like... wth, i don even bother abt homework at present lah... with all that is happening... haiz... don care liao lah... jus that got no one to turn to, no one to talk to and no one who noes who i am...

Realisation... and more pain...

Haiz... i think i really very sad liao...
i guess im jus someone who thinks too highly of myself bah... like 癞蛤蟆要吃天鹅肉 bah...
i am jus the most annoying person liao bah... spoil the lives of two wonderful and beautiful girls... special in their own rite...
haiz... i guess im jus so detesting bah... that no one will ever like me... even those who did for a while most likely felt that i am just too lousy and unsuitable for anyone bah... and i think i also too demanding bah... and also too overbearing... i guess that is why ppl dont like me bah.
im just too useless lah... no talent in sports, music, art, studies, and everything bah... no wonder no one will like me... mayb i jus talk big nia... cant do anything one... must be that unreliable bah... haiz... what can i do... also cant really change myself bah... haiz... what else can i do... fine lor... jus continue being loner and emo lor... it's fine with me... donesnt really matter... even though sad but wont die one... anyway, aiya... don care liao lah... don want to force myself on others liao lah... don care, don bother, don give a damn...

disappointment

was talking to an OLD 'friend' of mine... suddenly ask me some irrelevant qn... then after that suddenly say what want peaceful two yrs away from traumatic n energy sapping love life... like ignoring the world like that lah.. then somemore said what getting over someone then what cheating another's feelings at the same time. and what keep thinking of that person when with the other person. fine lah, so i hav been used, a substitute, been blind, then thrown away after i served my purpose. all i want to say to u is that whatever u deem it to be, that is the way it seems. there is no denying that i was made a substitute, and even one which has no significance at all. also, i was just toyed with lah, then having someone there for u, taking me for granted isit? now really donno why i could hav been that blind and just went along with everything. and then, now u tell me all this. so i hav not been even deserving enough to noe all this, only willing to tell me when im already no longer there, and that u wont see me anymore? then somemore, what study together... got even study meh? for u mayb lah. so i hav jus wasted my time to be with u while u were jus studying lah. then after that, fine.. u were alone for sec4. so u jus left everything else behind, taking things as if it didnt happen? fine, im obviously not the first guy u noe... so, that means only the first guy u noe is significant lah. then everything else is jus extras, continuation and substitutes of whoever that first guy was. really disappointed that u cant understand, keep clinging on to the past... u think that he will like u now since u don want to forget abt him? fine... then forget abt me instead. the person who disregards whatever u thinking and saying all this things to u. i really donno how i am going to treat u the next time i see u in person or when online. jus that for now, this is part of how disappointed i am in u and that this is how it is. but then the future can still change back to what it was b4 this "argument" as u call it... it only depends on whether u still want to be ignorant of the change around u, or u still want ot continue jus being that person who disappointed me. it's ur choice. jus hope that u make the right one.

PI!!!!!!!!!!

i am starting to hate the individual portion of pw... that stupid pi... after so long and with ppl's help i thought i could jus pull it of... then when handed in, my pi was sample marked... turned out that it was not exceeding expectations(expected), not meeting expectations(a little surprised), not approaching expectations(very surprised) and not even meeting the crieterion( total shock!) also my ideas was not thoroughly analysed and evaluated( well, i noe that) not sufficiently analysed and evaluated(ok fine, mayb i havent done enough) and not even analysed and evaluated in a limited way( wth! means i totally nvr analyse or evaluate isit?) stupid pi... and somemore at first my teacher also say can... well, not her fault... haiz.... stupid pi...

thinking...

wah, jus back from elects camp... will post of that when i hav the time... lol... i hav jus been thinking... i might be naive... thinking that i am someone who can change another's life... im thinking that the other person might already hav someone who is in his/her life already, and im being extra... someone also told me that this person might jus be playing with my h***t, and that this person might already hav someone else already... hmm... jus thinking... donno what is happening also... this person also said somewhere she regretted some decision she made to another person... what does that mean? what decision is that? aiya... i donno lah.... nothing i can do but jus continue thinking...

emo... for a while...

wah... today at physics prac got some sort of mental breakdown... probably cos the practical so frustrating... stupid rod... then also fans off... was like melting lah... after i gave up on completing the practical, my mind started thinking of other stuff.
i thought,
i am so useless, always unable to do things fast and well, always need the help of others, always need others encouragement.
i think i might jus regret what i did, pouring my heart out and naively hoping that there would sure be something in return.
i am also so lousy, cant manage my time at all, almost everytime rushing my work till late at night or just giving up.
i am weak, no determination to do things, whether long term or jus for that moment.
i am indecisive, always thinking of doing things but then hesistating and giving jus bcos i was afraid of what others might think and how others will react.
in conclusion, i am useless, weak, lousy, indecisive and nvr think abt things thoroughly(maybe only)... therefore, there is no point for me to live on(sarcastically).
also, i think i might jus hav to give up what i am doing... bcos, i might jus be not suitable to be the one.

school...

Today, i was in school from hmm... lets see, 730(cos it was raining and freaking stuck outside school) till around close to 8! (cos of physics test... i****ic) That is like freaking 12 plus hrs leh... anyway, excited that i am having elects camp on friday! yeah! looking forward to it... haha thats it for this post i think... a change from the other emo posts... haha lol...

random post

jus something random...

What Edwin Lau Xinyou Means

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts. You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it. You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator! You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are incredibly sexy and sensual. You have a naughty vibe that no one can ignore. You have an unquenchable desire. And you are unrestrained in your passions. You have a tendency to be unfaithful. Whether you fight it or give in to it is up to you. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

courage...

it takes more courage to do certain things than others. haiz. today feel very sian... cos didnt hav the courage to do what i actually planned to do... i wonder if i just lost my opportunity... haiz... must live with it... who ask myself do not have courage to do such a simple thing... haiz... sadded...

Despair...

haiz... today jus shot out of my mouth and hurt someone that i really care for... sian... somehow still cant change that part of me... i really cant help it... Why!?! although she doesnt show it, i think she is feeling very hurt right now... who noes maybe she even crying.. haiz... how can i change myself? i really don want to hurt anyone else anymore... really in despair....

A candle in the darkness

was looking around a lot of my frens blogs and have noticed somethings they said abt me. the things they said touched me deeply and for once, i felt that i was no longer alone, and actually had frens that truly cared. for that, i want to say a sincere," thank u"

Liking someone?

meant to post this some time ago... the other time, jianning was asking something abt having[or not] something on the finger. and he said that it tells whether u hav someone that u like... apparently, it says that there is someone i like, and i acknowledge this fact. the problem is, i dont really noe who is it that i like.. sounds a bit lame but i donno whether i am indecisive or whatever, but the thing is, what is liking someone? cos i dont even noe if i really like anyone. haiz... will this be another worry? or jus something that will pass...

Trouble???

now that voting is over, the wait begins...
this days, i somehow feel that there is trouble brewing. hearing things abt council candidates that freeze up my insides, thinking of how the 9th council will end up, with the 8th already so good... also there are ppl around me who are starting to show a bit of their killing intent... i think they might be feeling that i am getting too close for their comfort to certain ppl they hold special in their lives... what to do, i jus hope trouble does not start...

Pain...

why are things like this? why is it that now i am unable to make my own decisions? nowadays, other than my weaknesses not being improved on, my strengths hav also blunted... what should i do... i cant even keep up with my work... should i still join council? even if i get in[which is already highly unlikely} is it worth... what should i choose... really in pain...