really lonely...

today really feel very down... really think i need someone to talk to... but then, the person i want to talk to very busy... then don bother her lah... then everyone else i think really donno me well at all lor... first thing they ask if i stress bcos of homework isit?! im like... wth, i don even bother abt homework at present lah... with all that is happening... haiz... don care liao lah... jus that got no one to turn to, no one to talk to and no one who noes who i am...

Realisation... and more pain...

Haiz... i think i really very sad liao...
i guess im jus someone who thinks too highly of myself bah... like 癞蛤蟆要吃天鹅肉 bah...
i am jus the most annoying person liao bah... spoil the lives of two wonderful and beautiful girls... special in their own rite...
haiz... i guess im jus so detesting bah... that no one will ever like me... even those who did for a while most likely felt that i am just too lousy and unsuitable for anyone bah... and i think i also too demanding bah... and also too overbearing... i guess that is why ppl dont like me bah.
im just too useless lah... no talent in sports, music, art, studies, and everything bah... no wonder no one will like me... mayb i jus talk big nia... cant do anything one... must be that unreliable bah... haiz... what can i do... also cant really change myself bah... haiz... what else can i do... fine lor... jus continue being loner and emo lor... it's fine with me... donesnt really matter... even though sad but wont die one... anyway, aiya... don care liao lah... don want to force myself on others liao lah... don care, don bother, don give a damn...

disappointment

was talking to an OLD 'friend' of mine... suddenly ask me some irrelevant qn... then after that suddenly say what want peaceful two yrs away from traumatic n energy sapping love life... like ignoring the world like that lah.. then somemore said what getting over someone then what cheating another's feelings at the same time. and what keep thinking of that person when with the other person. fine lah, so i hav been used, a substitute, been blind, then thrown away after i served my purpose. all i want to say to u is that whatever u deem it to be, that is the way it seems. there is no denying that i was made a substitute, and even one which has no significance at all. also, i was just toyed with lah, then having someone there for u, taking me for granted isit? now really donno why i could hav been that blind and just went along with everything. and then, now u tell me all this. so i hav not been even deserving enough to noe all this, only willing to tell me when im already no longer there, and that u wont see me anymore? then somemore, what study together... got even study meh? for u mayb lah. so i hav jus wasted my time to be with u while u were jus studying lah. then after that, fine.. u were alone for sec4. so u jus left everything else behind, taking things as if it didnt happen? fine, im obviously not the first guy u noe... so, that means only the first guy u noe is significant lah. then everything else is jus extras, continuation and substitutes of whoever that first guy was. really disappointed that u cant understand, keep clinging on to the past... u think that he will like u now since u don want to forget abt him? fine... then forget abt me instead. the person who disregards whatever u thinking and saying all this things to u. i really donno how i am going to treat u the next time i see u in person or when online. jus that for now, this is part of how disappointed i am in u and that this is how it is. but then the future can still change back to what it was b4 this "argument" as u call it... it only depends on whether u still want to be ignorant of the change around u, or u still want ot continue jus being that person who disappointed me. it's ur choice. jus hope that u make the right one.

PI!!!!!!!!!!

i am starting to hate the individual portion of pw... that stupid pi... after so long and with ppl's help i thought i could jus pull it of... then when handed in, my pi was sample marked... turned out that it was not exceeding expectations(expected), not meeting expectations(a little surprised), not approaching expectations(very surprised) and not even meeting the crieterion( total shock!) also my ideas was not thoroughly analysed and evaluated( well, i noe that) not sufficiently analysed and evaluated(ok fine, mayb i havent done enough) and not even analysed and evaluated in a limited way( wth! means i totally nvr analyse or evaluate isit?) stupid pi... and somemore at first my teacher also say can... well, not her fault... haiz.... stupid pi...

thinking...

wah, jus back from elects camp... will post of that when i hav the time... lol... i hav jus been thinking... i might be naive... thinking that i am someone who can change another's life... im thinking that the other person might already hav someone who is in his/her life already, and im being extra... someone also told me that this person might jus be playing with my h***t, and that this person might already hav someone else already... hmm... jus thinking... donno what is happening also... this person also said somewhere she regretted some decision she made to another person... what does that mean? what decision is that? aiya... i donno lah.... nothing i can do but jus continue thinking...

emo... for a while...

wah... today at physics prac got some sort of mental breakdown... probably cos the practical so frustrating... stupid rod... then also fans off... was like melting lah... after i gave up on completing the practical, my mind started thinking of other stuff.
i thought,
i am so useless, always unable to do things fast and well, always need the help of others, always need others encouragement.
i think i might jus regret what i did, pouring my heart out and naively hoping that there would sure be something in return.
i am also so lousy, cant manage my time at all, almost everytime rushing my work till late at night or just giving up.
i am weak, no determination to do things, whether long term or jus for that moment.
i am indecisive, always thinking of doing things but then hesistating and giving jus bcos i was afraid of what others might think and how others will react.
in conclusion, i am useless, weak, lousy, indecisive and nvr think abt things thoroughly(maybe only)... therefore, there is no point for me to live on(sarcastically).
also, i think i might jus hav to give up what i am doing... bcos, i might jus be not suitable to be the one.

school...

Today, i was in school from hmm... lets see, 730(cos it was raining and freaking stuck outside school) till around close to 8! (cos of physics test... i****ic) That is like freaking 12 plus hrs leh... anyway, excited that i am having elects camp on friday! yeah! looking forward to it... haha thats it for this post i think... a change from the other emo posts... haha lol...